Dreamed During the Night, May 23, 2011:
I was browsing in a bookstore in a quiet mall during on a weekday. I was carrying a bag of books that I owned because I was a student of some kind. I was talking to a store clerk who was recommending romance novels for me, and I was putting them into the same bag with the books that were mine. I don't like romance novels, but he seemed sincere and seemed to think I needed these books. I took them mostly just to appease him.
Eventually, I decided that I buy the books that I had placed in my bag, and I would leave. I was almost going to the checkout counter when I realized that it was pouring rain outside, and it would not be a good idea to carry a bunch of new books through the rain to the bus. I did not have an umbrella, and would have to wait at a bus stop for a while.
When I tried to put the books back on the shelves, I couldn't tell which books were mine and which belonged to the store. If I looked into the bag and looked away, the next time I looked in the bad, the titles and shapes of the books were different. I was worried that the store clerk would think I was shoplifting. I put almost everything back, but the last book, which kept changing as I looked away and looked at it again, was a journal that I own in waking life. I recognized it in the dream as something from waking life, and recognized that the changing titles and appearances were happening because I was dreaming.
I was not able to control any aspect of the dream because as soon as I realized that, I got distracted by the store clerk telling me I had to pay for the last book, which was my own, or he would call the police for shoplifting. I paid, although I felt too poor to be paying for my own books. Then I met Jill at the bus stop. By this time it was sunny and perfect weather. I felt sad inside that I was so poor and worse that I had to pay for the book that already belonged to me, but Jill seemed oblivious that anything was wrong.
My ex-boyfriend Ricky hasn't spoken to me since Sunday, when we broke up, and I feel extremely lonely. We never used go this long without talking or at least text messaging each other. I think the recommendation of romance novels was a suggestion that I shouldn't wallow and feel bad, but I should look for the love and romance that I want and deserve to have in my life. I never had that with him because he claimed that his culture wasn't about merely saying "I love you", but about showing love with actions. Toward the end of the relationship, I realized that I wasn't feeling loved or appreciated. I am crying right now as I type this because I still don't want to give him up. There were some things about him that were really good, but there were a lot of times that he made me feel unhappy and unloved. I feel so empty without him.
I feel afraid because the last time we broke up he was so nice when he called me. I took him back then because I just felt so terrible without him. Being with him seemed to warm, familiar and comforting, whereas being alone was cold and hard. I need to be more forceful when it comes to refusing to date him, just like with the book selections in the dreams. I shouldn't accept something just because it is along the path of least resistance.
I think Jill appeared at the end of the dream because she never liked Ricky, ever. She called him a loser and encouraged me to break up with him. I don't think he's a loser, but I do agree that I could be happier alone or with someone else than I could be with him. The journal in the dream was a gift from my previous ex-boyfriend Keith. Just like with Ricky, I stayed with Keith way too long and took him back when I shouldn't have. Keith always used to ask me if I were writing in the journal, even after we broke up, but if I were to write in it, I'd probably just write all of the bad feelings that I have as a result of Keith not being able to be the good boyfriend that I deserved.
I think the bus was a sign of poverty and inconvenience. The storm might have been a reflection of all of the turmoil in my life. I'm not sure what the point of the shoplifting was. Maybe it was just a distraction to prevent me from being fully lucid? I take this dream as a good sign that I will have lucid dreams soon, in which I control the action. Now I am going to try, somewhere in my sadness, not to fall apart completely.