Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Almost Lucid Dream: Shopping in a Storm

Dreamed During the Night, May 23, 2011:
I was browsing in a bookstore in a quiet mall during on a weekday.  I was carrying a bag of books that I owned because I was a student of some kind.  I was talking to a store clerk who was recommending romance novels for me, and I was putting them into the same bag with the books that were mine.  I don't like romance novels, but he seemed sincere and seemed to think I needed these books.  I took them mostly just to appease him. 

Eventually, I decided that I buy the books that I had placed in my bag, and I would leave.  I was almost going to the checkout counter when I realized that it was pouring rain outside, and it would not be a good idea to carry a bunch of new books through the rain to the bus.  I did not have an umbrella, and would have to wait at a bus stop for a while. 

When I tried to put the books back on the shelves, I couldn't tell which books were mine and which belonged to the store.  If I looked into the bag and looked away, the next time I looked in the bad, the titles and shapes of the books were different.  I was worried that the store clerk would think I was shoplifting.  I put almost everything back, but the last book, which kept changing as I looked away and looked at it again, was a journal that I own in waking life.  I recognized it in the dream as something from waking life, and recognized that the changing titles and appearances were happening because I was dreaming. 

I was not able to control any aspect of the dream because as soon as I realized that, I got distracted by the store clerk telling me I had to pay for the last book, which was my own, or he would call the police for shoplifting.  I paid, although I felt too poor to be paying for my own books.  Then I met Jill at the bus stop.  By this time it was sunny and perfect weather.  I felt sad inside that I was so poor and worse that I had to pay for the book that already belonged to me, but Jill seemed oblivious that anything was wrong.

Dream Analysis:
My ex-boyfriend Ricky hasn't spoken to me since Sunday, when we broke up, and I feel extremely lonely.  We never used go this long without talking or at least text messaging each other.  I think the recommendation of romance novels was a suggestion that I shouldn't wallow and feel bad, but I should look for the love and romance that I want and deserve to have in my life.  I never had that with him because he claimed that his culture wasn't about merely saying "I love you", but about showing love with actions.  Toward the end of the relationship, I realized that I wasn't feeling loved or appreciated.  I am crying right now as I type this because I still don't want to give him up.  There were some things about him that were really good, but there were a lot of times that he made me feel unhappy and unloved.  I feel so empty without him.

I feel afraid because the last time we broke up he was so nice when he called me.  I took him back then because I just felt so terrible without him.  Being with him seemed to warm, familiar and comforting, whereas being alone was cold and hard.  I need to be more forceful when it comes to refusing to date him, just like with the book selections in the dreams.  I shouldn't accept something just because it is along the path of least resistance.

I think Jill appeared at the end of the dream because she never liked Ricky, ever.  She called him a loser and encouraged me to break up with him.  I don't think he's a loser, but I do agree that I could be happier alone or with someone else than I could be with him.  The journal in the dream was a gift from my previous ex-boyfriend Keith.  Just like with Ricky, I stayed with Keith way too long and took him back when I shouldn't have.  Keith always used to ask me if I were writing in the journal, even after we broke up, but if I were to write in it, I'd probably just write all of the bad feelings that I have as a result of Keith not being able to be the good boyfriend that I deserved.

I think the bus was a sign of poverty and inconvenience.  The storm might have been a reflection of all of the turmoil in my life.  I'm not sure what the point of the shoplifting was.  Maybe it was just a distraction to prevent me from being fully lucid?  I take this dream as a good sign that I will have lucid dreams soon, in which I control the action.  Now I am going to try, somewhere in my sadness, not to fall apart completely.


Tammy said...

I think this dream really captures the conflict we feel when breaking up! It's just how I felt when deciding to divorce my husband, anyway. And then to top it all off, people want to give advice about who we should and shouldn't be with, when in the end, what we're really left with is our own deepest selves exposed to the elements. Which can be a great thing once you get past that fear! But I wish you well getting there, or in whatever you choose!