Dreamed During the Night, June 15, 2011:
I was at my paternal grandparents' house with my mother and Ricky. Ricky and I were about to have sex on the couch, but I didn't know where my mother was, and I was afraid that she would walk in on us. I felt so happy to share this moment with Ricky, but then he told me that he wasn't in love with me and that he was going to pursue a relationship with another woman he'd met. I was fuming. Then, he had the nerve to tell me that he thought I wouldn't help him find a better job because he was leaving me for someone else. I told him that I would help him, but it had to be there because I had connections that I could use to find him a better job.
My mother called into the house from outside and told us that we needed to get into the van because everyone was leaving. I looked out the window and saw a line of men wearing construction or painters outfits. I told Ricky that he should work with them, but he said he couldn't because they were all black and none of them were Hispanic, like him. We went outside, and I watched the line of men, hoping for one Hispanic, but all of the men were black. Ricky told me that he wasn't going with us because no one spoke Spanish, and he wouldn't be able to communicate. I told him I'd check if there were anywhere that he could work with other people who spoke Spanish.
We tried to decide what Ricky would do while my mother was away. I think my mother and I were overseeing the painters. I suggested that Ricky stay at the house, but I imagined what might happen when my grandfather came home. He didn't know that Ricky would be there and had never met him. I imagined that the two of them wouldn't be able to communicate because Ricky only speaks Spanish, and my grandfather only spoke English. I was afraid that my grandfather might shoot Ricky, and I doubted that I could be the translator because I would be with the painters and there is little cell phone reception in the hills and mountains of Kentucky, so Ricky wouldn't be able to call me.
For a long time I've viewed Ricky's refusal to learn English and something that's holding him back, but he never seemed to care what I thought about English or much else. I had the fleeting thought that maybe I was trying to get Ricky's love and approval, just like I always tried to get with my father. In either case, I never felt loved and seem to continue seeking approval. But why do I keep having dreams that take place at my grandparents' houses? For years I've been having dreams that take place there, and I'm not sure why. I don't know what their houses represent. I never really had any good or bad experiences with my grandparents. Everything was pretty much neutral, except for my maternal grandmother who called me fat and declared a day in which everyone had to do whatever my brother wanted. There never was a day in which we did everything I wanted. By now, all of my grandparents have died, except my maternal grandmother, who is too tough to die. Any ideas why I keep dreaming of my grandparents?