Dreamed During the Night, June 25, 2011:
I was out shopping with my mother and another woman, and I had Ricky's young son Isaac with me. Caring for Isaac seemed so easy and natural, even though I was afraid of doing it. Ricky and I ended up going to the courthouse and getting married on short notice. He decided that we should get married because Isaac loved me, and it seemed like a good idea for us to live together. We left Isaac with my mother and went on our honeymoon.
Because we didn't have much time in advance, our honeymoon ended up being a trip to a hotel in the middle of Miami. It was strange because there was a small airport that was attached to the hotel and there were a lot of small planes parked nearby. Ricky said that we should go for a joyride in one of the planes, so he and I squished into a yellow open cockpit plane, and few around. It was an amazing and exhilarating feeling. We landed and then checked into our room. The clerk at the desk was giving Ricky a hard time about us taking the plane without permission, but he was telling her that someone related to him owned the plane. I realized that he was telling the woman that his wife's father owned it, and I was his wife. He was talking in English, although in waking life he almost always speaks Spanish. It made me happy to hear him talking in English. This was also the first moment that I really thought about the fact that I was now Ricky's wife.
A bunch of women from the desk asked what happened to that attorney from Fernandina that owned the plane, and I jumped in and told them that he was my father and that he had moved. They told me to say hi to him, so I suggested that they leave cards with their names outside of our hotel room door, and I'd pass the information along to my father. Finally we got our room. Inside the room, we immediately got into bed. I realized that I was wearing a purple satin wedding gown and Ricky looked so sexy in his tuxedo. I hadn't really taken the time to look at us. We curled up together, and I just remember thinking that this was the happiest I'd ever been. We were talking to each other in English, which made me feel so happy. I breathed in the scent of Ricky's skin deeply and felt happy and brave and secure.
I ran into Ricky and his son in waking life. I hadn't seen Isaac in such a long time. He gave me a huge smile and two high fives. Ricky and I talked about a bunch of things that we never really talked about, and I began to see him differently than I ever saw him before. Some time before Ricky had told me that I look very much like his mother and that I'm cowardly like her too. It was the first time I realized that I am cowardly, but he's right. Almost everything that I do in my life is the result of fear. I am afraid of being a mother in waking life. Ricky used to talk to me about having kids, but I really was afraid that I'd be a bad mother. In the dream I was a good pseudo-mother and I was brave enough to steal a plane with Ricky. This dream was my ideal version of the type of relationship that Ricky and I could have had if we could have been open and supportive of each other. I don't know if that would really be possible.