Saturday, June 25, 2011

Marriage and Infidelity

Life has been an adventure since both of my parents moved in with me.  It has been a constant opportunity to practice patience.  I have learned a lot during this experience, but I wish that I could unlearn some of it.  Recently I've learned that my father text messages and speaks over the phone in a hushed voice after midnight.  I feel very uncomfortable about the whole situation.

Recently at the Buddhist center, we were talking about relationships and attachment.  People were suggesting that some relationships are healthy and can nurture both people, but sometimes people grow apart or cannot support each other in where they are at the moment in their lives.  I understand this, although my Christian view of marriage from my childhood tells me that people stay married and stay faithful, no matter what.  It's a delusion, but it's what I always believed.  During my childhood, everyone under the sun got divorced, but not my parents.

Recently some married friends of mine were talking about marriage and fidelity and one of them said that if your partner is disabled and you feel that you must seek companionship elsewhere, even if you want to remain with the partner, you should do so discretely.  She said that partners want each other to be happy and that if she were disabled, she'd want her partner to be happy but wouldn't want to see evidence of an affair.  I completely agree with her.  I think that people in these situations should do what they have to do in order to minimize suffering all the way around.  It's just hard to swallow this when my mother is the sick partner and my father is seeking companionship elsewhere.  All of this is between them, and it's really none of my business.  Still, I feel bad for my mother.

Posted as part of Pink Saturday.


Unknown said...

Wow Lola, that's a tough post. And even harder when it's your own parents. I hate when I see things happen, and even though it is none of my business, I am still involved, in a way. It makes it hard emotionally.

Very thoughtful.
@jonesbabie on Twitter

illini89 said...

Thanks for stopping by, so glad you did!
I know it is not easy having parents move in and you becoming the "parent", but keep the faith. Not all children can or will step up to help-you are doing a good thing.
Happy Saturday

Anonymous said...

Ys, this is a tough one. One of the hardest things to handle is when people you love don't behave as well as they might and there is nothing you can do about it! Its good to recognize at times like this that people do have their own karmic paths and we cannot take responsibility for them except insofar as we pray for them and let these seemingly helpless situations increase our desire to become a Buddha so that we can really help others.

Unknown said...

I wrote a comment and it did not I take that to mean...I should write another one.

Parents are human. As adult children, it is hard to get past the role they have played for us. You are doing very well...writing, expressing, and understanding all that you can. Metta to you and your family.

Ani said...

Thank you all for your very insightful comments.

@Cath- Yes, I'm trying not to get involved, but it's hard. I also try to put myself in their shoes to understand.

@Lucy- Realizing that everyone has their own path is one of the hardest things about the Buddhist practice. Especially when it's someone we love, we have a tough time accepting that.

@Debra- I'd love to see your blog. Looks like you have the great beginnings. I am having a tough time realizing that my parents aren't the perfect people I always thought they were.

Lucine said...

With so much going on, I hope you are doing well. It is so contradictive if you reflect what is happening to what you have learned from your parents when you were young. But as said by Debra, parents make mistakes. Or maybe it is an escape, but then I would say be honest and tell your partner how you feel. It is good to talk about things happening in your life, Lola. Or tell your story in a journal or in your art. Stay well, Lucine at swap-bot.

LV said...

Now days most people do not take marriage as a sacred thing. It has always been you take one another for better or worse. That is why I am excited to learn someone has been married for 50 or more years.