Dreamed During the Day, July 5, 2011:
Ricky and I were going to move in together, so I was looking for a place to live. I didn't have a lot of hope for the relationship because it seemed like there were a lot of obstacles in our way. He kept sending me cryptic text messages that made me wonder if he was OK. Ultimately, I couldn't find a place to live. Somehow my father found out that I couldn't find an apartment, so he told me to move into an extra apartment that he had. It turned out to be my deceased paternal grandmother's house, although it was an apartment in Miami. I reluctantly went to the apartment, but it was filled with my father's unwanted clutter. I didn't have any other choice, but I could see that if I moved into this apartment, I would constantly be controlled by my father.
I have been so sick recently, so I didn't work today and stayed home in bed. I wasn't sleeping that long, although it seem like the whole day had passed. I haven't slept well for a few days because I've been so sick. I'm not sure what some of the meaning is behind this dream, but the bigger picture is that my father suggested he would sell me the condo that he owns in waking life. He even said that he would offer me a deeply discounted price, but I am reluctant to buy it because I don't want to be under his influence. I think if I moved into his apartment, I'd be unwanted clutter filling his apartment too.
Sometimes I feel really terrible about the lack of a relationship that I've always had with my father. Since I've been about 11 years old he's been saying that I'm manipulative. Last month he told me that I was a difficult and ungrateful child. In the last year both he and my mother moved in with me, but my father doesn't even know me. I can see that the problem is my way of thinking about our relationship. If he doesn't love me, then he doesn't love me, and there's nothing I can do about it. I need to accept that I can't change his feelings and move on with my life. My problem is that I have a belief deep inside of me that all parents are supposed to love their children, and it's hard for me to accept that he doesn't love his children.